Posted by on Oct 25, 2013 | 230 comments


Stomping out bullying

STOMP OUT BULLYING TM, Christoper Hayes, 2005


Is there a solution for bullying? I think so.

Over the last few weeks  several young people, ranging in ages from 10 to 18, have told me, “We’re sick of hearing about bullies and bullying. We don’t want to hear about them anymore!”

One girl even said, “When a parent or teacher mentions the word bullying, I just roll my eyes.”

I’ve had the privilege of being part of a book club in my area of the country. We’ve been reading the book, Sticks and Stones, by Emily Brazelton. Her book is about the problems of bullying in the school system and finding solutions. My idea is this, let’s stop giving bullies attention and giving them new ideas on ways to bully by discussing bullying. How about if we focus on the cure instead of the problem? Let’s teach children how to behave properly in the first place, by offering Human Relations/People Skills 101.

Here’s an analogy of my suggestion:

There are two ways in which a child can learn to swim. One way is to throw the child into the pool and let him figure out ways to make it to the side. The child will claw the water and/ or people, spit geysers into the faces of anyone nearby, and even try desperately to grab and pounce upon the back of anyone within reach. Unfortunately the one he pounces upon might not make it from under his grip. That person might drown. But the will to survive is inherently strong in all of us, taking a person down to save our own life sometimes happens by accident. (Is this not a perfect picture of a bully who has no people skills?).

The other school of thought on teaching a child to swim is to give him swimming lessons. Teach him not only how to survive in the water, but how to save someone else who might be drowning.

If we think about it, children are blank slates at birth. Their soft little convoluted brain tissue doesn’t have Rolodexes of information tucked neatly between the folds. They must be taught everything in life—even simple things like feeding themselves with utensils, talking, and walking. There isn’t a rule book on people skills packed away somewhere in the recesses of their brains.

My suggestion for bullying, is to stop talking about bullying and start teaching children appropriate behavior. Accent the positive, in other words, teach them how to behave and refrain from teaching how not to behave.

What about a countywide, statewide, or nationwide effort to teach children people skills beginning in preschool or kindergarten and continuing through high school?  At the beginning of every school day the teacher could spend five or ten minutes facilitating a discussion from a preplanned human relations program. But the catch here is that the teacher is only the facilitator. The teacher says, “Today let’s discuss color blindness as it relates to people. What does that mean?”

The teacher guides the discussion so that children come to realize that people of all colors are equal. Then she asks, “What can we do to make sure all people are treated equally?” The children come up with the solutions. Then the teacher says, “What could you do today to make sure all people are treated equally?” The children will suggest ways, and the teacher can say, “Okay, let’s do that and tomorrow tell me how it went.” Children will go forth finding ways to do good, instead of finding ways to act out for attention.

Here are some topics that can be discussed as appropriate to age group, beginning with kindergarten and working our way up: (SCROLL TO BOTTOM FOR IDEA FOR PUNISHING  BULLIES).

  • How to share. What that looks like.

  • How to keep hands to ourselves.

  • Filtering our thoughts. We don’t have to say everything we think.

  • Filtering our actions. We don’t have to do everything we think.

  • Controlling inappropriate urges, such as to hit, yell, etc. We can actually tell ourselves, “STOP!”

  • How to ask for things properly instead of demanding.

  • Keeping outside an individual’s circle of space (Teach kids to say, “No one can invade my circle of space.”). Teach that we may not walk closer than three feet from someone unless we are invited.

  • Name tags (labeling and name calling)

  • Color blindness (prejudice)

  • Uniqueness (we’re all different)

  • Disabilities

  • Etiquette

  • How to make friends

  • How to be a friend

  • How to argue properly by stating only facts and not attacking.

  • Food Allergy precautions

  • Inappropriate words (words to avoid)

  • Acceptance

  • Acts of kindness

  • Finding the good in everyone

  • Loneliness

  • How to ask a question and respond to a question, especially if you don’t like someone’s answer or opinion.

  • Phone etiquette

  • Internet etiquette

  • Encouragement

  • What if you don’t like how someone looks—does that mean he/she has to look the way you want him to?

The list goes on and on and on and on, and it would advance to include topics pertinent to the upper grades.

The only way the program would work is if those in authority–principals, teachers, parents, and even grandparents–became cheerleaders of appropriate behavior. Children often emulate what they see more than what they hear.


Instead of punishing, how about requiring mandatory People Skills workshops, given one day a week by the school system, for bullies and their parents to attend before the bully can return to school? This would teach the bully and his parents proper skills. Knowing how to behave is the cure.

What if the bully continues to bully? How about requiring that the bully and his parents repeat the workshop however many times it takes to learn appropriate people skills. If the child bullies again, they must attend again. Sooner or later, appropriate behavior will either sink in or they will adopt it to avoid attending the classes. The added benefit, is that we will teach parents without skills, the necessary skills for life. The ripple effect would spill over into work places and hopefully the world.

“BUT THIS WON’T WORK!!!” some naysayers will shout. First, there are always negative Nellies—always. We have to stop allowing a few to influence the majority. That’s another hot national issue.

And secondly, anyone who says that teaching vs punishing would never work hasn’t attended a college class on human relations or a behavioral psychology class. Positive always trumps negative behavior.

In the meantime, while the people skills program is developed, how about having parent volunteers, from every classroom, take turns sitting in at lunch and recess every day and if necessary on the buses. The more adults present, the least likely the overt bullying behavior because of first hand witnesses.

This is the last of my blogs on bullying for National Bully Prevention Month. If anyone has better suggestions for decreasing bullying, PLEASE speak up! We need to get this under control for the sake of our children and grandchildren.

Let’s start today to make a better tomorrow!

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent, or praiseworthy–think about such things.” Philippians 4:8 NIV

Deb Gardner Allard is a writer of books & stories for children. She has a B.S. degree in psychology and is a retired registered nurse. Her book, “Izzy and the Real! Truth About Moose Boy,” a book for 3rd through 5th graders, encourages children to talk about the difference between teasing and bullying while reading about the pranks of Moose Boy. The book can be purchased through Barnes & Noble.com, Amazon.com and many other venues. Deb enjoys blogging about children as well. Visit her website at www.debgardnerallard.com.

Featured image from rgbstock.com. Title: Friendship. Kids of the World (magicinfoto 4604836 01/12/11)


Join the conversation and post a comment.

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    B. Chantel deals with this very issue in this way in her fiction novel “Anne’s Journey” Teaching our kids how to behave and treat others is paramount to ending bullying — not only in our children but when they grow older as well. Don’t we all deal with a bully or two at work, or at play from time to time.

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